What Women Should Do, Too

As promised, it's the women's turn. Last week's Young View detailed five things men should do, but don't.

If you missed it, they included getting regular checkups, watching less TV, learning how to listen without interrupting, stepping up the intimacy and throwing away old belongings.

Now, let's turn the tables on the ladies.

Five things women should do, but don't:

1) Do minor repairs on your own car. The other day I got an e-mail from a friend. It joked about a woman who went into a repair shop and was asking for a replacement "710."

The repair guys had no idea what she was talking about so they asked her to show them if another car in their garage had a "710." When they opened the hood of the car, the woman pointed to the "710," which was in clear view.

"That's not a '710,'" said the guy. "It's the OIL cap."

Most women - not all, but most - have never changed a flat tire. They may be better than the above-mentioned woman and know where the oil cap is, but whether or not they've ever attempted to change the oil is another matter.

When I was in college, my dad sent me a book for women on fixing cars. It had big pictures and easy diagrams. I don't think I ever used it.

Instead, I called on boyfriends, neighbors or friends anytime a stray nail found its way into my tire. Now, I call on the mechanical services of Sebastian anytime my oil needs changing.

Why should we learn to do what men have been taking care of for the better part of a century? Because we argue for equality and independence. And just because a car has mechanical parts and requires lifting and getting dirty, it doesn't mean it should be a job for guys only.

At the very minimum, we should know how to fix a flat, change the oil and pay attention for any strange sounds emanating from the hood area.

(This item also applies to learning to do your own taxes and, according to Sebastian, learning how to "spackle," a.k.a. do some house repairs.)

2) Less talking. Or, as my friend Alan put it, "Don't take a gosh darn hour to tell me about your day!"

You know how you ask your boyfriend or husband to tell you about his day and he answers, "It was OK."

Men would love it if women could respond the same way. Instead, we women wait anxiously to be asked the question (it makes us feel like the man is interested) and then proceed with an hour-long monologue/diatribe about everything that happened from the time we walked into the office to when we made dinner at night.

Men just can't understand why we need to talk so much. They aren't going to remember all those details so they'd rather we just get to the point and let them get back to watching SportsCenter.

When the gab goes overboard, men tune us out. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they don't need as much verbal contact as we do to feel connected.

No matter how hard we argue it, the bottom line is men by genetics have a listening limit. There's no way to change that and we shouldn't force them.

So let his ears have a break every once in a while. Tell your man about your day in a more selective way. Think Cliff Notes.

3) Be more easygoing. One of the primary complaints I hear from men about their women as that we over-analyze everything. Take Lani, for instance. She and Jay were celebrating their one-year anniversary by having dinner. Lani expressed enthusiasm during the meal by saying, "Can you believe it has been a year already?"

Jay was silent. He nodded and then dug into his plate of chicken saltimboca.

Immediately, Lani began to analyze. "Why didn't he respond? Did he feed his face to cover the fact that he really doesn't care? I guess I don't mean anything to him."

What Jay was really thinking was "Hmm ... one year. That's March, August, November... hey, that's when I got my new truck! Cool."

Women think out loud, men don't. This is why we women freak out when our man doesn't respond to our commentary. Most men don't have hidden agendas like we think they do; they take everything at face value.

So instead of analyzing everything that he says and doesn't say, ladies, take a breath and stop the maddening "what ifs" from taking over.

4) Say what you mean, mean what you say.

This one is easy. Stop making your man guess what you're feeling. It drives them nuts. They are no more capable of reading your subtle signs than they are able to buy you a pretty dress in the right size.

If you're angry at him, just tell him why. If you want him to help more around the house, you have to say so.

Leaving a man to guess at what it is you want or feel is as risky a game as playing roulette in Las Vegas. More often than not, you'll end up feeling angry and dissatisfied.

5) Stop asking his opinion on everything. Even though we women would love to be included on every decision our man makes, from his daily lunch choice to what shirt he wears to dinner, men don't want the same from us. Unless you want his help on something major like buying a new car, your man doesn't feel he needs to have a hand in everything you do. Unless he's a control freak, he probably doesn't care what you're making for dinner, as long as he gets to eat. He also won't be able to give you an opinion on which decanter you should buy for your Aunt Flo who lives in Rhode Island. Though women like that extra assurance in all of life's matters, men would rather we make those little decisions on our own.

Comments?

-- KATIE YOUNG, The Young View, MidWeek March 16, 2005