Ask yourself when was the last time you uttered the phrase: "I'll be happy when I..." Probably recently, right?
Whether
the end of that statement includes getting "a better car," or "a bigger
house," or finding "true love" or "the dream job," we're all guilty of
delaying our joy and gratification based on a future outcome. Many of us
believe a certain relationship status or a higher salary is the
singular key to being fulfilled.
Turns
out, this way of thinking has a name: It's called the "
I'll be happy
when" syndrome, a condition that's prevalent today in our working
society.
ABC News
reported that happiness (or unhappiness) is broken down into the
following percentages: About 50 percent is based on genetic makeup, 40
percent is within your control determined by your thoughts and actions,
and the remaining 10 percent is related to other circumstances like
income, where you live, marital status, and your appearance.
Despite
the "I'll be happy when" thought pattern being a universally shared
behavior, clinical psychologist and business consultant
Dr. Natalia Peart argues that the way we feel right now shouldn't be a result of
what we believe is coming down the pipeline. In fact, Dr. Peart, who
graduated from Georgetown University, Harvard Medical School, and Brown
University, suggests that happiness isn’t the direct effect—it’s
actually the
cause.
"To
cure 'I'll be happy when' syndrome, we must start seeing success as a
lifestyle, not a destination, so that you can finally be happy now—wherever you are in life," she explains in the book.
Here,
Dr. Peart discusses the most common symptoms to look out for, why you
should rip up your to-do list, and how best to maneuver through change
and disruption in the dizzying world of technology and social media. She
also shares expert advice on finding happiness right where you are.
Now that we finally know this condition has a name, can you explain what, exactly, "I’ll be happy when" syndrome is?
"For
decades, we've always thought that once we achieve success in our
careers, then we're supposed to get happy. And that once we get happy,
we're going be fulfilled. That was the old path. So we'd ignore signs of
burnout or the fact that our lives were so narrow, because the
assumption was that there would still be a reward of happiness. But that
reward was always in the future. Happiness is now and being able to
live in this moment, even in the harried, busy life that we
live. You want to get up everyday and know that there’s some level of
meaning in the now—not two months or two years from now."
What are the symptoms people should look out for?
"Well,
the first sign is determining whether you're living a checklist-based
life. If you think back to when you were a teenager, yes, you went to
school. But you also did other activities and had fun. It seems the
older we get, the more we seem to push the fun things out to crowd our
lives with what's on our to-do lists."
You should think of your life as a calendar, not necessarily a to-do list.
Can
you elaborate more on this checklist lifestyle? Do you have any
suggestions for managing your day-to-day responsibilities while still
having fun?
"A checklist includes all the things you must
do. But you should really think of your life as a calendar, not
necessarily a to-do list. A calendar makes room for all those tasks, but
it also allows space and time for restorative activities. The problem
with a list is that it involves someone else’s deadline, and any
subsequent consequences to not meeting those expectations. By thinking
of your life as a calendar, you can prioritize things as you go along.
That’s why I’m not a fan of the term 'work-life balance,' because you're
made to feel like you're doing something wrong if you don’t divvy
things up correctly."
Is there any danger in being routine-driven?
"By
only looking at what you have to do today or this week, you're not
thinking about your long-term vision. When you have your head down doing
the next thing, you can’t see yourself moving towards the bigger
picture and what matters most to you. That results in burnout and
stress. If it feels stressful, or you find yourself constantly
monitoring the time instead of being fully engaged and in the flow of
things, that's when you know you're off track. As adults, we’ve lost
that sense of connecting to who and what we are—especially women. Women,
in a way, are encouraged to feel guilty. It’s like a badge of honor if
we show up for everyone else except ourselves."
You have to be able to walk in uncertainty.
So how does one begin to alter their way of thinking or adopting this calendar approach?
"First,
you need to have an agile mindset. It’s about developing the inner
confidence that says, 'I’m going to look at a situation and think about
what can I do to move towards the next step.' The old mentality of
lining up our ducks in a row before we took action, or waiting until
everything is perfect doesn't work because we're in a different time
now. You cannot wait until everything looks right and is set in place.
You have to be able to walk in uncertainty and separate yourself from
the outcome, even if you don't have all the pieces together yet."
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But what happens if the "when" never comes? How does one manage their expectations for failure or letdowns?
"The
first thing to know is that this disappointment of never getting to
happy, even when you're checking things off the list, is very common.
One big reason this happens is that we base our life goals and the
expectation for happiness on the decisions we made when we were
teenagers, like our college major and our first job. If you're in this
situation, step back and ask yourself bigger questions. For example:
What do you care about, or what inspires you? This
way, you can better orient yourself toward what is meaningful to you,
and not just toward the "when" you've built up over the years. Lastly,
you should build daily habits that reflect the things that are a
priority for you right now."
Why is living in the moment so important? And for those who need help focusing on their "right-now" goals, what's your advice?
"When
you talk about right now, it’s about focusing on whether the things
you’re doing are adding energy to your present goals or draining you of
your energy to accomplish them. Don’t major in the minors, wasting time
on things that aren’t of significance. Get a visual snapshot in your
head of where you are and where you want to go in your career or with
your fitness goals and finances. If you’re not happy, then you need to
create and prioritize new habits around one or two restorative things.
Turn to supportive people to hold you accountable who will cheer you on
from the frontlines. You also have to make choices about what you’re
willing to let go of, and adjust your expectations. But when you get to
this step, you can’t give in to fear or fatigue—or quit when you hit
roadblocks."
With technology and social media...you end up curating your life, not living it.
What role do you see technology and social media playing in this disconnection from our true selves?
"What
happens with technology and social media is that you end up curating
your life, not living it. There’s something about the social comparisons
that are making things worse, particularly with the 'I'll be happy
when' syndrome. Decades ago, when we didn’t have social media, we’d only
be concerned about who got married or had a baby first. Those were the
success markers. Today, however, we’re comparing our lives to what
someone else is posting, which is contributing to our high-stress
culture. At the end of the day, it’s a glossy version of a highlight
reel you’re supposed to measure up to. But there’s no way you’ll ever
live up to it because it’s not real."
"We
are living in times of constant and rapid change. It’s about
understanding what to do today, with an eye towards anticipating
tomorrow. The concept of future proofing your life is about
having a peace of mind and sense of control, so that no matter what’s
coming around the corner you understand how to maintain a sense of
calm."
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In the book you talk about the "freelance economy." What is that, and how does it impact the everyday working woman?
"The
way we think about our careers has changed. It’s no longer about having
one career for the rest of your life. When women took off to have kids,
they were particularly disadvantaged when trying to get back on track. I
encourage people to strategize and think of a playbook. Instead of
focusing on a job title, think about the value, skills, and talents you
offer. In this freelance economy, it means keeping the bigger picture in
mind, while also being flexible for twists and turns on the way to
achieving your greater vision."
What empowers and energizes you at the present moment?
"I’m
deeply mission-driven. I believe that each of us should have the chance
or the opportunity to fulfill our potential in life. In my book, I
write this quote: 'Someone else paid the cost.' Even though my burden is
heavy with responsibility, I gladly accept it, because someone else did
the same for me and all of us. And now it's our turn, especially in
these times of great change."